lol
#im trying my best to do things #and distract myself #ive cleaned my room a bit and ive rearranged things and ive done all my laundry and i’ve gone through some clothes and ive painted my nails #and ive gone back to doing beaded stuff and i watch my show and i try to listen to music and i mostly cook for myself and i do the dishes #and i try and i try and i try and nothing i do. is ever enough to mask. the loneliness. the dread. the pain. nothing helps. #sometimes it feels like i don’t try at all. im clearly faking it. faking everything. i haven’t tried anything at all to help or to distract #me #i feel so alone right now and i am alone right now and it hurts and it sucks and i’m tired #and i was idiotic enough to relapse again and i’m sorry to announce it here but it’s not something i like to bring up anyways #i just want to go to the pool i want to go swimming i want to just be in the water but it’s rained here every day for like two weeks and i’d #like for it to stop so i can swim. just once. please. i just want to swim underwater and maybe lie on my back and float or pretend i’m a #dead body floating in the water. pretend to be a mermaid for all i care i don’t know i just. i want to feel better than whatever this is and #i want to swim. so very badly. i’m rereading my favorite book/series and i still cant fucking get back into the groove of anything. i’ve #been trying to read it for a month now and i’m only 67 percent through it. i didn’t finish anything in may and i doubt i’ll finish anything #in june and i just feel lost and defeated and jesus christ my nose is bleeding for fucks sake #my mom gave me some money for food but i wasn’t feeling well so i didn’t spend it and so i thought maybe i’ll buy myself something because i #haven’t in awhile but then i just started browsing to get other people things when it feels like that’s all i do lately. make things or buy #things for other people. which is fine- i don’t not like doing it but i have such a problem with thinking that i don’t deserve things and #therefore i shouldn’t buy myself something. no matter how bad or awful i’m feeling i don’t deserve a game or food or a stuffed animal that #would help me destress because i don’t deserve it. i don’t. i dont #my arm stings and my nose feels weird and my head fucking hurts and i wish i could slam it into the wall and relieve the pain #instead i’m doing this and feeling like an idiot and hoping i’ll kill myself soon or hoping that something will make me feel like life is #worth living. i cant.. do this anymore and i’m just so fucking tired and exhausted and alone and i guess i just deserve this. the constant #pain and the loneliness and the sorrow i just. deserve it all with no relief i guess #i don’t know why i bother anymore and all of this is pointless i’m pointless i wish i’d just fucking stop #im gonna stop #i’ll stop
“dont die” is my favorite thing to tell people when they say theyre gonna go do something. going to the store? dont die. going to the bathroom? don’t die. going to Mars? don’t die. going to write an email? don’t die. driving to the gas station? don’t die. it fits every situation except for maybe a funeral visitation because then i think thatd be a little bit rude
Fluffy bunny living his best life
(via)
“I feel so normal about him” well I dont. move
